Ryan Howard is a Beast!

I will be the first to admit I am not the biggest baseball fan, but even I cannot resist giving props to Ryan Howard. Consider it kingness recognizing kingness. Howard hit his 55th and 56th homeruns of the season against the Marlins Friday. Maybe the most impressive thing about Howard is that even with 80 walks this season, he's on pace to finish with 64 home runs and 159 RBI. Maybe it’s the fact that Howard has hit 12 home runs in 48 at-bats since Aug. 25. It could even be the fact that Howard has out-homered nine teams and hasn't gone more than seven at-bats without a home run during that span. But I have to say what really makes Howard’s performance at the plate so impressive is that he could potentially be the first man to pass Maris’ 61 homers (Home-uh) with the new steroid testing policy in place. I mean sure McGwire, Bonds, and Sosa hit more homeruns but that was before it came to light that sluggers were juicier than Biggie’s first single. I mean you can say what you want, even though the asterisk may not literally be next to their name in the record books, the mental asterisk is permanently etched into the minds of every baseball fan. With that being said I would like to be the first to say to Ryan Howard, it is now time to start juicin’. That’s right I said it. Ryan Howard needs to start taking steroids, HGH, the clear, anything. Howard, call up Victor Conte, get a hold of Greg Anderson, do something to start pumpin’ that unnatural testosterone into your body. Why you ask? Well if this beast is on pace to jack 64 homers clean, can you imagine what he would do on ‘roids? (or Balco as cute people refer to it) I mean 64 clean has to equate to…oh, I don’t know, at least 100 when you’re pumped up! I mean can you imagine it, forget McCovey Cove, fans would have to be in their kayaks in the Pacific Ocean for Howard’s homers! You think you are gonna be able to snag a Ryan Howard home run ball by sitting in the upper deck? You better rent a Cessna son and fly just outside the stadium if you want to catch a juiced Ryan Howard ball! So there, Ryan Howard if you’re reading this, I don’t need to be personally thanked. (Actually it’ll be our little secret) All I ask is that when you hit homerun number 146 and officially double the previous record, that you do one thing. You must deny anything to do with any type of performance-enhancing drug. You have to take it to your grave that you never “knowingly” took anything illegal. After all, you wouldn’t want to taint the game of baseball now would you?